Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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