I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize