I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
