I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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