yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
