1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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