the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
