the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
