i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
