I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
