just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
