News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
