Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
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Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
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Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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