Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
