Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
