I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
