Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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