I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
