OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
