"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
