My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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