dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
