is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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