Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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