I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
