god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I supernannyed him into submission
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
