She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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