franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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