Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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