i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
