i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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