Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
BRING THE BAGELS
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
