I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
