The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
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I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
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Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.