The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
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I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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