ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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