god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life