I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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