just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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