I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
