I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
whose parrot is this?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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