I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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