I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
