i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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