Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
