i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
