New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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