I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
