I cannot find my penis.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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