i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
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Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
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I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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