I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
