everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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