i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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