I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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