I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
time to smoke my breakfast
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
