grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
