Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Randomize
