my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
