i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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